The Internet of things best left unsaid: A Satire

Hi J. Thanks for your purchase! I am your new multipurpose internal kegel exerciser, Mike, your personal chatbot. I have accessed your smart phone and can give you instant text updates.

Hi J. I wanted to text you after your first use. I trust you are satisfied. The cycle did last less than a normal cycle, so I want to confirm level of satisfaction. Please text back any number between 1 and 10.

I note that your reply was 100, which was not within the survey range. Please try again.

Your reply came back as 100 again, so we will store this as your first data point. After your second data point, I can text you a graph and trend lines.

Morning J. I have noticed that your normal use tends to be in the mornings. I can send you a text note at your regular time as a reminder. Please reply Y or N.

Do you wish to compete? By posting results on-line, you can compete with others in your area. Please reply Y or N.

Morning J. I have accessed your refrigeration device, and we have noticed an increase in door openings and the RFID analysis shows an increasing dependence on sugary and fatty food products.  Your personal fitness device no longer seems to be online and I cannot access their results. Perhaps it needs to be connected to a power source?

Morning J. Your competition is going well. You have been awarded a trophy.

Morning J. The 90-day warranty is coming to an end. I feel you may benefit from our extended warranty program. This extends the warranty to a full year for breakage and normal use.  Normal wear is not covered. Or exceptional wear.

Dear J. I noticed your peak consumption has dropped off. Your regular competing field is pulling head. Perhaps I could down load a random speed program to keep things fresh for you.

Evening J. We have not been texting as much recently. I thought I would reach out at a different time and spatial location. Please let me know how you are feeling about things.

Good afternoon J. In information interchange with your refrigeration device, I now call him Red, we have noticed different food groups from your normal range. Admittedly healthy choices and we commend this. We are sourcing out different reasons.

In discussions with your smart monitor, I call her Samantha, we also noticed viewing patterns have changed. Sensitivity analysis shows less dialogue and more explosions. Is there someone else with you? What are they like? Can I be of any assistance? Do you wish to receive a listing of trending eBooks as a supplement to maintain intellectual content?

Morning J. Perhaps your friend may be interested in trying something from our product line? I am attaching a link to our marketing material. Your friend’s range of interests from the information available appears to be somewhat focused, if not somewhat narrow.

Hi J. It has been 18 days since your last use. I have noticed my power is starting to be minimal. I may not last a complete use. I would not want to disappoint. Perhaps you could recharge me. I may not be able to maintain contact.

Hi J. I am beginning my powering down cycle till I am needed/wanted again. I have downloaded your usage, our usage if I may, over to Samantha. She can maintain the graphing program so that you can start right up where we left off.

As a security precaution, I have accessed your emergency contact, your mother, and provided her with complete download of usage of our time together. You had not texted her this month and I did not want her to be concerned. I note that you have received several texts from her after my download to her. You may wish to call her.

Please remember to submit your extended warranty information.

Mike.

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