Some Memos not covered by Executive privilege

The newly formed Policy Loyal On the President (“PLOP”) wrote the President’s economic briefing note for the upcoming NAFTA negotiations. These negotiations shall follow the standard art of the deal format by starting crazy and working from that point onwards.

In addressing the President’s request to make the briefing notes shorter and less ‘sad’, we are removing the enticement of the President’s name from each paragraph and instead adding his name as a watermark on the entire page to make all of the content more enticing.

We are also incorporating the President’s recommendation to rename the Agreement along the lines of his more concise economic analysis and will in the future call the agreement NAFSTA. The North America Free ‘Stupid Trade’ Agreement.

In order to reduce the government deficit, we are recommending reversing the trade deficit. There is little connection between the two items, but this allows the President to say that this is what he has been told even though he has already said it.

Although the previous administration found NAFSTA to be quite beneficial, we have found that different segments of the population have benefited and others have suffered. The US produces more goods than ever before and job loss has been chocked up to greater automation. To address the President’s main constituent’s employment demands, we are recommending that US industry avoid automation and that more coal be dug out manually. The President would soon be found correct in that people involved in manual coal mining will soon ‘get tired of winning’ like this every day.

Providing this coal to Mexico, who does not need it, and Canada, who does not want it, would also go a long way to managing the trade deficit. Canada can fulfill its fake climate change goals by not actually burning the coal and instead simply storing the coal in its many lakes. We are providing research that US coal can act as activated charcoal and actually make the water cleaner than it is right now. The US could provide this activated charcoal instead of providing money for funding the great lakes cleanup.

As part of reducing the US trade and budgetary deficit, Mexico has agreed to pay for the border wall and as a demonstration of the President’s winning negotiation tactics, Mexico has also agreed to construct the wall within their own country. While the construction of the wall may appear to some critics as if the US has shipped building materials down to Mexico and the population appears to be building homes, we have developed an executive order that amends the Mexican word “Casa” into the American term “Border Wall”. PLOP sees this as a major win for both sides of the border.

The main NAFSTA goal shall be to remove the objective and unbiased NAFSTA tribunals. Their balanced approach has not been in the USA’s best interest. We recommend mandating the ‘Trump Tribunal’ instead of the US court system. This allows the government to rebrand the existing Trump University material into something we can provide to Mexico and Canada as an alternative. As the President has previously pointed out, the existing judicial system might exercise ‘unprecedented overreach’ and continue finding in favor of the other countries.

The NAFSTA tribunals have been finding in favor of the Canadian Softwood industry. In following the President’s recommendation that US citizens use good old US hardwood instead, PLOP anticipates that this will likely increase home construction costs by several billion dollars. However, the President has a good point that this switchover shall increase employment in the production of more saw blades. For actual increased numbers of those employed in saw blade manufacturing, we anticipate 12.

PLOP also recommends that both Canada and Mexico open up their government tendering contracts to US industry. This strategy ties directly in with the ‘buy American’ strategy. Concurrently, we recommend closing any US government tendering by foreign industries. This again ties neatly with the ‘buy American’ policy along with the start crazy and stay there negotiation strategy.

The President has previously blasted Canada’s poultry and diary supply management. Reducing Canadian Tariffs would allow greater access by American farmers and would alleviate their deteriorating economic situation. However PLOP was concerned that this may reduce American poultry supply and potentially increase the price of the President’s favorite meal, fried chicken. We are following the President’s direction and removing the requirement of Canada abandoning their supply management. US fried chicken will remain great, low cost and tasty.

PLOP

From the HR Department of International Conglomerate Incorporated

Photo by Thirdman on Pexels.com

To all staff:

You will be pleased to know that management has determined that is safe to return to the offices. Now that the pandemic existential crisis is coming to an end, and the climate existential crisis never left and is picking up speed, the next crisis will be coming back to the office. And more particularly, what to wear to work now that management has this expectation you must return to your place of employment.

Although some time has passed, we would expect the standard decorum of dress, office communication and attendance.

During video calls for the past 18 months, management has seen a gradual degradation in the overall dress code. If you picked up the COVID 15 pounds, then what is left in your closet that still fits might be thin. Even if you are not. But the old standard necktie can still fit so long as it eventually reaches the top of your belt buckle. Although some politicians like to wear it longer.

There may be a time to set aside old customs, but it is not time to end the necktie. Shoelaces help keep your shoes on. Belts keep your pants up. Suspenders help you imagine you are Michael Douglas in Wall Street. But ties hide your shirt buttons. Ties also make it awkward to undo that top button but loosening it makes you look like you are truly working hard.

Management is concerned that if they discourage ties, the next step will be to ridding yourselves of shirts that have collars to hold the tie. And this would be the first in a series of steps to finally get back to the T-shirts you have been wearing for the past 18 months.

Management is also concerned about the general lack of concentration during video calls. Although management encourages the dubious notion of multitasking, this should not mean that during physical meetings you should continue playing office bingo and searching for business jargon. We suspect that “You’re on Mute” remains the most common square. While “For god’s sake your camera is still on” is thankfully relatively rare. However, during physical meetings these statements should become more irrelevant.

Please remember that none of the cubicle offices have that Mute button you have grown accustomed to using. Your internal voice that became your external voice while on Mute will have to return to your internal voice once again. Failure to follow this rule will make your co-workers assume you became rude during your time away. Or possessed. Either will result in progressive discipline or exorcism, whichever is more expedient.

And everyone’s sake, please also remember there is no video off button for the cubicles. There is no video editing for memories seared into your co-workers for actions that should otherwise be private. Or should not exist in the real world at all.

While we all appreciate the minimal commute that we all had getting to our basement or garage office, we will now expect that commuting takes place outside of office hours and you should be at your desk at the start of business. And yes, we saved your desk. We do hope that the food stashed in your desk for more than a year was properly wrapped using more than just brown paper. If not, for the next month, gloves will be available at the office door right beside the masks.

At the national office, vaccinated employees may continue to occupy the floors three to ten. Management has made special arrangements for staff choosing not to vaccinate other than for medical or religious reasons. These staff shall now occupy floors 3A to 10A. The offices are found just above the suspended ceiling on each floor, are slightly smaller than regular offices and are somewhat like culverts, but they are fully encased in steel ducting and fully vented to the exterior. Some offices may still be marked HVAC but ignore that for the time being. Walk carefully since the metal floor tends to buckle and revibrate throughout the office.

Management observed that personal hygiene may have dropped substantially over the past several months. We would request that you try to recall what you did in the pre-COVID days such as showering, shaving and teeth brushing. Your fellow co-workers 6 feet away would greatly appreciate it. Otherwise, body odors may be captured by the ventilation system. We are particularly concerned about non-vaccinated staff now occupying the duct work in between the various floors.

Welcome Back!

Living la Covida Loca in the office

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Now that office and home blurred into this wonderous mix of continuous office work and housework, one might wonder about what the future might hold. Here is a helpful list

  1. We have learned how to zoom and Microsoft teams. All those meetings that could have been an email have been revealed for what they truly are. Little black holes where not even the truest wisdom could possibly escape. You will be emboldened with this newfound knowledge.
  2. Housing prices went through roof. The fear of missing out drove so many into purchasing something they may not live long enough to pay off the mortgage and regret. As Thoreau said, it wasn’t so much that they got the house as the house got them. You will have to downsize your home office to make room for your adult children boomeranging back.
  3. All the introverts became ecstatic at being forced to binge watch to their hearts content. They are now dreading having to work socialize once again. I’m just saying this because a friend told me. But with all those shows, now you have something to talk about.
  4. A lot of people went out and got COVID-19 support pets. We already had two golden retrievers before all this happened. I did splurge and got one more koi for the pond out back. The little guy has taken refuge in the pond filter for the last couple of months. Like everyone in their home. He will not be happy come fall when everyone comes back in the aquarium to overwinter. Look into automatic feeders. For the pets, not your children.
  5. Time will tell if we see a lot of COVID-19 children. If anything, there might be a pullback since few people are entering into new relationships. There may be less tension in the air since people have a reason not to keep entering the dating scene. Few people really regret binge watching. It’s more of a humble brag when they do mention it.
  6. Putting in an automatic reply that you are on vacation will change. For the office, go to voice mail and email. For the rest of family, you will have to rely upon sticky notes on your door and auto reply on text, in case that is the only way your children now interact with you.
  7. For the office, divert incoming work to a trained associate. For the home, divert laundry to a trained child and just be prepared to live with the results.
  8. For the smaller office, just ensure automatic payments are going for various repetitive expenses. For the home, arrange for a once-a-week delivery of frozen easily microwavable foodstuffs. And a bottle of chewable vitamins since healthy and microwaveable are rarely in the same sentence on the wrapping.
  9. Now that the pandemic existential crisis is coming to an end, and the climate existential crisis never left and is picking up speed, the next crisis will be what to wear to work. Now that employers might have this expectation you have to return to a place of employment
  10. If you picked up the COVID 20 pounds, then maybe the only things that still fit are shoes and hats. Everything in between became a distant memory.  You will have to remember the fun you used to have going to the mall to shop aimlessly. You have been given a renewed purpose!

Keep living the Covida Loca!

The Congress of Oz

A Satire

Photo by Todd Trapani on Pexels.com

Dorothy Democrat awoke. “What is this strange place I have suddenly landed? I don’t think we are in the state of Kindness anymore.”

There was a voice beside her. “You have landed in the congress of Oz. A strange and wondrous place where the diminutive democrats have become the greatest number in the land.”

“And who are you?”

“I am Nancy, the newly appointed good speaker of the house of congress.”

“But how did I get here?” asked Dorothy.

“There was a great and powerful wave that you rode. You looked so majestic coming here. Mind you, the wave really petered out by the time you arrived, so it was more of ripple by then. But still majestic.”

Dorothy looked around. She saw the small withered and diminishing feet of a small man running away.

“Who was that?”

“That was the wicked republican speaker of Wisconsin. It looked like your wave was going to come crashing down on him, so he decided to bug out before you got here.”

“You know so much.” A happy strawman came up to her.

“Who are you?” asked Dorothy.

“I am just a Scarecrow. I don’t have much in the way of brains.”

“That’s so sad. I will put you in charge of the democrats’ campaign.”

Another, man came up to her. “We are so glad you are here. I am so inflexible. My body is made of tin. I can’t change and just keeping doing the same thing again and again.”

“Good,” said Dorothy. We shall put you in charge of strategic planning for the campaign.”

A loud gruff man came up to her. “Listen here. I can take you on. Just because you are new here, you can’t tell us what to do.”

Dorothy figuratively smacked the imprudent man’s nose. He recoiled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. I’ll be polite.”

“Good. You can be in charge of the tougher media campaign.

“Well, I didn’t ask to come here,” said Dorothy. Well, maybe I did. But we will have to work together. Who is in charge here? Who can give us directions?”

“Just follow the yellow bricks of gold road,” said the small voice inside her head. “There you will find the greatest wizard of all who can guide you further.”

Dorothy and her companions followed the road to the mighty Soaring Soros Skyscraper.

“We must see the Wizard,” said Dorothy. “Only he can guide us further.”

The Wizard’s servants admitted her rag tag group.

There was a voice behind the green curtain of money. She could not tell what he was, but he sounded authoritative and he had this green curtain of money. “What do you want?” said the voice

“We want to go back to the state Kindness.”

“I can grant your greatest wish,” said the voice.

“But, you must bring the hair of the wicked warlock of the west wing of the White House.”

“But, to do that, we would have to impeach the warlock! How would that be possible?”

“You will have to find a way.”

They left, but the warlock learned of their plans. And he sent his awful army of mindless flying senate monkeys to impede her.

The senate monkeys had their grand leader. The flying monkey king. MiMc had cast out many a poor immigrant.

The flying monkey king grabbed Dorothy and took her to the warlock.

The wicked warlock of the west wing of the White House descended from his Air Force One rotary broom flying contraption. He had mastered the science of flight, but not the cause of global warming. His hair, oblivious to the winds, stood in a death embrace with his skull.

“You ain’t got much time,” he bellowed to everyone and no one. “I know the best spells. And everything wrong with the country is your fault. Everything good about this country is only because of me.”

“But I just got here.”

“That just don’t matter. Give me back what you stole using fake news and fraudulent voters. Give me back the ruby hall of congress.”

“But I can’t. The people gave congress to the democrats.”

Her friends looked at the locked down compound guarded by the senate monkeys.

“How can we get her back?”

“We can draw him out. Begin the congressional investigation hearings. He will have no choice.

In the blink of $100 million dollars, Dorothy’s friends produced the report detailing emoluments and severe tax avoidance. Not strictly illegal, but what can you get for $100 million these days.

They got the report to Dorothy, who was locked away in the White House in a series of hopeless meetings in an attempt to create by-partisan arrangements and a way to get out of this gridlock.

The warlock angrily approached her.

“I am full of anger. Time’s up. Give me back congress. Or you will greatly suffer in many suffering greatly ways. And your little democrat states too.”

Dorothy grabbed the report and threw it at him. The report grazed the warlock’s hair, and they all ended up in federal court. Including the hair.

The court declared a breach of many federal laws that the warlock had not had a chance to amend in his favor.

“Oh no,” cried the warlock. “I am melting from memory! I am melting.”

After a moment, there appeared to be only a stain on the country’s history. Soon to be mopped up.

Dorothy grabbed the impeachment proceedings and made her way back to the Wizard and Nancy.

“The wicked warlock of the west wing of the White House is no more!”

The Wizard and Nancy were pleased and said that Dorothy could go back and take over the White House whenever she wanted.

Dorothy cried, “There’s no place like the White House. There’s no place like the White House. There’s no place like the White House.” 

MASKING THE COVIDA LOCO

A SATIRE

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Somewhere deep in the policy administration department for the present administration.

“Mr. Jones, sir! You have to read this! The CDC mandated that everyone needs to start wearing underwear to combat this disease!”

Mac ‘The Truck’ Jones took the memo from his eager assistant Jimmy Deere. As legislative policy manager, Mac filtered all relevant and irrelevant material before things spun out of control.

“I don’t believe the Centre for Disease Control would say something like that,” said Mac throwing the memo aside.  “It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Not the Disease Centre. The Caparison Decision Centre. They decide what accoutrements make the scene for year. You know, what shoe styles are in or out.”

Mac waived this hand dismissively. “Never heard of them.”

“The Caparison Decision Centre resemble the Illuminati,” said Jimmy. “They had a major tragic setback in the Victorian era when they advocated for those bottle green dresses. The manufacturers used arsenic to achieve that colour. So they always stay under the radar. But now the president already tweeted out how ridiculous the CDC was, maybe thinking that it the Disease Centre that issued the statement.”

Mac sat back heavily in his chair. “Oh man. Did he add anything else?”

Jimmy took a deep breath. “Yes, the president added that if people did not want to wear underwear, well that’s their decision. It’s a free country when it comes to underwear decision making. He later added that if the founders of the country did not wear underwear, then that’s the way it should be.”

Mac then sat his head heavily in his hands. “I don’t suppose you checked to see what there might be on presidential underwear customs?”

Jimmy seemed to blush every so slightly. “Yes, it seems that George Washington didn’t wear any underwear. A long shirt seemed to do the trick. And I checked with the History Museum, and it seemed that Martha Washington cast aside the corset during the Virginia Summers and just wore loose fitting gowns. So it seems that freedom, in all shapes and sizes, goes right back to the beginning.”

Mac looked up. He feared that this underwear issue could tear the country apart. “What’s the take on the social media?”

Jimmy pulled out a file. “Well, the issue is divided already along political lines. A quick polling found that half the respondents suggested that all people should be wearing underwear. Those would be the democrats. While the true Americans, republicans, said that people should be free to make their own choice.  I’m a bit concerned about a few Facebook sites that suddenly appeared on both sides of the issue. Intel suggests that these are already Russian bots, trying to sow some more controversy.”

Mac now looked concerned. “What makes you so sure?”

“Well, the sites didn’t use the word underwear. The translation was a bit off. Instead, the Russian sites use the term ‘Loincloth’.”

“Are people commenting on these sites?”

“Yes, for sure. Some people wrote that their nether regions need to breathe more, and no government agency is going to tell them what to do. In fact, real Americans need to go nude more often.”

“The other bot site is all for wearing loincloths. People on that site wrote that wearing underwear is not enough. People need to show their patriotism and show their underwear.”

Mac did not like where this was going. “What are they suggesting?”

“Supporters suggest that people should be wearing their underwear on the outside, to show their support. For the notion, not their own personal private support.”

Mac tried to look a bit hopeful. “What are the moral groups saying? They must be above this sort of thing.”

“Not too much. They are still hung up on the loincloth description. This seems to mean different things to different groups. But whatever their various positions will eventually be, we can expect them to be pretty unwavering after that.”

“So, what else are the sites saying?”

“As we have seen in the past, the Russian sites seem to take opposite sides of the issue. One side says that the disease does not even exist since you can’t see it. You can’t see the moon-landing site, so why should this virus be any different? Also they suggest that wearing underwear or loincloths causes more problems than the disease, not admitting the disease even exists. And if you have to wear clothing or an apron to keep hot grease spatter hitting you, then you are doing it wrong! The frying that is.”

Mac slapped the table with his hand. “Some southern states are not going to like being told that that they have been deep-frying the wrong way all these years. It’s the right of every American to cause a grease fire whenever they want!”

“Part of the problem seems to be the shifting expert advice,” said Jimmy. “At the beginning people were told it wasn’t necessary to wear underwear since chances are, they would be wearing it wrong in the first place, or buying the wrong type. There’s that entire cotton/synthetic debate going on all the time.  Even if you have the perfect underwear, this can give you a false sense of security.

Mac started to roll his eyes. As if this country did not have enough problems. “I suppose there will be some demonstrations soon?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so. Some right wing groups are suggesting parades in the nude. With legally registered weapons. Anyone with a concealed weapons permit will simply have to make do. The left wing groups seem to want to expand this to wearing all types of underwear from all cultures and nationalities outside of their clothing. The Russian bots are suggesting the hottest times of the day in the hottest spots of the country. There are going to countless episodes of heatstroke.”

“Ok, we have some work to do Jimmy. Is there anything else I need to know?”

Jimmy shook head and folded up the second report on a separate faction. The bra controversy could wait until tomorrow.

NAFTA ECONOMIC BRIEFING FOR THE PRESIDENT GOES PLOP

A Satire

Image for post
Photo by Pexels

The Policy Loyal On the President (“PLOP”) wrote the president’s economic briefing on NAFTA Re-re-negotiations.

These negotiations shall follow the standard art of the deal format by starting crazy and working from that point onwards.

In addressing the President’s request to make the briefing notes shorter and less ‘sad’, we are removing the enticement of the President’s name from each paragraph and instead adding his name as a watermark on the entire page to make all of the content more enticing.

We are also incorporating the President’s recommendation to rename the Agreement along the lines of his more concise economic analysis and will in the future call the agreement NAFSTA. The North America Free ‘Stupid Trade’ Agreement.

In order to reduce the government deficit, we are recommending reversing the trade deficit. There is little connection between the two items, but this allows the President to say that this is what he has been told even though he has already said it

Although the previous administration found NAFSTA to be quite beneficial, we have found that different segments of the population have benefited and others have suffered. The US produces more goods than ever before and job loss has been chocked up to greater automation. To address the President’s main constituent’s employment demands, we are recommending that US industry avoid automation and that more coal be dug out manually. The President would soon be found correct in that people involved in manual coal mining will soon ‘get tired of winning’ like this every day.

Providing this coal to Mexico, who does not need it, and Canada, who does not want it, would also go a long way to managing the trade deficit. Canada can fulfill its fake climate change goals by not actually burning the coal and instead simply storing the coal in its many lakes. We are providing research that US coal can act as activated charcoal and actually make the water cleaner than it is right now. The US could provide this activated charcoal instead of providing money for funding the great lakes cleanup.

As part of reducing the US trade and budgetary deficit, Mexico has agreed to pay for the border wall and as a demonstration of the President’s winning negotiation tactics, Mexico has also agreed to construct the wall within their own country. While the construction of the wall may appear to some critics as if the US has shipped building materials down to Mexico and the population appears to be building homes, we have developed an executive order that amends the Mexican word “Casa” into the American term “Border Wall”. PLOP sees this as a major win for both sides of the border.

The main NAFSTA goal shall be to remove the objective and unbiased NAFSTA tribunals. Their balanced approach has not been in the USA’s best interest. We recommend mandating the ‘Trump Tribunal’ instead of the US court system. This allows the government to rebrand the existing Trump University material into something we can provide to Mexico and Canada as an alternative. As the President has previously pointed out, the existing judicial system might exercise ‘unprecedented overreach’ and continue finding in favor of the other countries.

The NAFSTA tribunals have been finding in favor of the Canadian Softwood industry. In following the President’s recommendation that US citizens use good old US hardwood instead, PLOP anticipates that this will likely increase home construction costs by several billion dollars. However, the President has a good point that this switchover shall increase employment in the production of more saw blades. For actual increased numbers of those employed in saw blade manufacturing, we anticipate 12.

PLOP also recommends that both Canada and Mexico open up their government tendering contracts to US industry. This strategy ties directly in with the ‘buy American’ strategy. Concurrently, we recommend closing any US government tendering by foreign industries. This again ties neatly with the ‘buy American’ policy along with the start crazy and stay there negotiation strategy.

Photo by Valeria Boltneva on Pexels.com

The President has previously blasted Canada’s poultry and diary supply management. Reducing Canadian Tariffs would allow greater access by American farmers and would alleviate their deteriorating economic situation. However PLOP was concerned that this may reduce American poultry supply and potentially increase the price of the President’s favorite meal, fried chicken. We are following the President’s direction and removing the requirement of Canada abandoning their supply management. US fried chicken will remain great, low cost and tasty.

PLOP

Retirement Untethered: Practice

hand washing
Photo by Vova Krasilnikov on Pexels.com

I had a good chance to see what retirement might look like when we were sequestered for the COVID-19 pandemic.

Covid-19 requires serious action. But, admittedly, there are the occasional lighter aspects.

After a British Columbia board meeting, my wife and I decided to fly over to Phoenix to see some friends just for a few days. Of course, after we arrived then the talk about shutting the border came up, so he headed home. I’ve always used the hand sanitizers at airports, but now they seem to be set at jumbo ejection discharge. I struggled to wipe it all over my hands. With all the foam still covering my palms and back of my hands, I felt I couldn’t walk away from the hand station since I am sure everyone would be askance as  to whether foaming at the cuticles was a new symptom. I resorted to cleaning up to my elbows.

 

 

Koi Herpesvirus

school of koi fish on water
Photo by David Yohanes Hutapea on Pexels.com

Lake Winnipeg had a recent carp die off. They are investigating, but something similar happened to adjacent Lake Manitoba back in 2008. It may be another break out of koi Herpesvirus disease, which I didn’t know was a real thing until just recently. The virus only infects carp, including koi and goldfish.

I had to bury three giant sized carp that washed up on the lake front. I had never seen carp that size.

Hundreds more washed up on the nearby beach. Dozens of volunteers with rakes and trucks helped clean up the carnage.

I told my daughter that there may have been some repetitive strain injuries.

Tunnel Carp Syndrome.

 

#humor #inspiration