A SATIRE

Somewhere deep in the policy administration department for the present administration.

“Mr. Jones, sir! You have to read this! The CDC mandated that everyone needs to start wearing underwear to combat this disease!”

Mac ‘The Truck’ Jones took the memo from his eager assistant Jimmy Deere. As legislative policy manager, Mac filtered all relevant and irrelevant material before things spun out of control.

“I don’t believe the Centre for Disease Control would say something like that,” said Mac throwing the memo aside.  “It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Not the Disease Centre. The Caparison Decision Centre. They decide what accoutrements make the scene for year. You know, what shoe styles are in or out.”

Mac waived this hand dismissively. “Never heard of them.”

“The Caparison Decision Centre resemble the Illuminati,” said Jimmy. “They had a major tragic setback in the Victorian era when they advocated for those bottle green dresses. The manufacturers used arsenic to achieve that colour. So they always stay under the radar. But now the president already tweeted out how ridiculous the CDC was, maybe thinking that it the Disease Centre that issued the statement.”

Mac sat back heavily in his chair. “Oh man. Did he add anything else?”

Jimmy took a deep breath. “Yes, the president added that if people did not want to wear underwear, well that’s their decision. It’s a free country when it comes to underwear decision making. He later added that if the founders of the country did not wear underwear, then that’s the way it should be.”

Mac then sat his head heavily in his hands. “I don’t suppose you checked to see what there might be on presidential underwear customs?”

Jimmy seemed to blush every so slightly. “Yes, it seems that George Washington didn’t wear any underwear. A long shirt seemed to do the trick. And I checked with the History Museum, and it seemed that Martha Washington cast aside the corset during the Virginia Summers and just wore loose fitting gowns. So it seems that freedom, in all shapes and sizes, goes right back to the beginning.”

Mac looked up. He feared that this underwear issue could tear the country apart. “What’s the take on the social media?”

Jimmy pulled out a file. “Well, the issue is divided already along political lines. A quick polling found that half the respondents suggested that all people should be wearing underwear. Those would be the democrats. While the true Americans, republicans, said that people should be free to make their own choice.  I’m a bit concerned about a few Facebook sites that suddenly appeared on both sides of the issue. Intel suggests that these are already Russian bots, trying to sow some more controversy.”

Mac now looked concerned. “What makes you so sure?”

“Well, the sites didn’t use the word underwear. The translation was a bit off. Instead, the Russian sites use the term ‘Loincloth’.”

“Are people commenting on these sites?”

“Yes, for sure. Some people wrote that their nether regions need to breathe more, and no government agency is going to tell them what to do. In fact, real Americans need to go nude more often.”

“The other bot site is all for wearing loincloths. People on that site wrote that wearing underwear is not enough. People need to show their patriotism and show their underwear.”

Mac did not like where this was going. “What are they suggesting?”

“Supporters suggest that people should be wearing their underwear on the outside, to show their support. For the notion, not their own personal private support.”

Mac tried to look a bit hopeful. “What are the moral groups saying? They must be above this sort of thing.”

“Not too much. They are still hung up on the loincloth description. This seems to mean different things to different groups. But whatever their various positions will eventually be, we can expect them to be pretty unwavering after that.”

“So, what else are the sites saying?”

“As we have seen in the past, the Russian sites seem to take opposite sides of the issue. One side says that the disease does not even exist since you can’t see it. You can’t see the moon-landing site, so why should this virus be any different? Also they suggest that wearing underwear or loincloths causes more problems than the disease, not admitting the disease even exists. And if you have to wear clothing or an apron to keep hot grease spatter hitting you, then you are doing it wrong! The frying that is.”

Mac slapped the table with his hand. “Some southern states are not going to like being told that that they have been deep-frying the wrong way all these years. It’s the right of every American to cause a grease fire whenever they want!”

“Part of the problem seems to be the shifting expert advice,” said Jimmy. “At the beginning people were told it wasn’t necessary to wear underwear since chances are, they would be wearing it wrong in the first place, or buying the wrong type. There’s that entire cotton/synthetic debate going on all the time.  Even if you have the perfect underwear, this can give you a false sense of security.

Mac started to roll his eyes. As if this country did not have enough problems. “I suppose there will be some demonstrations soon?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so. Some right wing groups are suggesting parades in the nude. With legally registered weapons. Anyone with a concealed weapons permit will simply have to make do. The left wing groups seem to want to expand this to wearing all types of underwear from all cultures and nationalities outside of their clothing. The Russian bots are suggesting the hottest times of the day in the hottest spots of the country. There are going to countless episodes of heatstroke.”

“Ok, we have some work to do Jimmy. Is there anything else I need to know?”

Jimmy shook head and folded up the second report on a separate faction. The bra controversy could wait until tomorrow.